I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
We need to get me chipped asap
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
