Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize