That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
How does it feel to date your dad?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
