the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
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