Don't make out with my wife yet
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
