I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Randomize
