If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
