You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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