Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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