I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize