Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Randomize
