Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Randomize
