I cannot find my penis.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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