I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
