A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
