I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize