I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
