Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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