Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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