He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
