I think im going to throw up on grandma
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
pop tarts are not kleenex
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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