She went from zero to smokin in five shots
this beer tastes like vomit already
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I just got carded by a ten year old.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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