I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
