some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
