she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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