There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
