Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
