dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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