Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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