There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
