I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
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