that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
