I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
