I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize
