chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Randomize
