1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Randomize
