Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
