I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
