I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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