I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
