And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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