would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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