How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
my sisters under your porch take her home
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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