you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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