Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Randomize
