Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
My bed smells like the plague
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
