this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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