Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
