Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize