btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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