that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
