this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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