Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
