i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
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