so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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