eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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