I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
