you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
