I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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