So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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