we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
