Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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