I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
