so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Randomize
