Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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